In the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to talk to more Baltimore Ravens fans than I ever knew existed. Some of them were reaching out to offer support, others because they needed to talk. When someone we admire and care about, even from afar, commits an act of violence towards their partner it challenges us. It brings up a lot of uncomfortable feelings and difficult questions. If we ever thought about domestic violence before (which many of us try not to), we usually think that it isn\u2019t something that affects us. At most, we can open ourselves to the possibility that we might know someone who has been abused. We can see ourselves trying to support someone who has been hurt and is looking for help. But we rarely think that we might know -let alone care about- someone who has done the hurtful and abusive behavior. When an athlete or celebrity that we respect is capable of being abusive, it can make us start to question if someone we know and respect personally is capable of doing the same.<\/p>\n
This is a really uncomfortable thought, so in cases when a celebrity we admire is accused of domestic violence, we try to do the opposite. We blame the victim. We accuse the \u00a0victim of lying, exaggerating, and manipulating the situation to get attention or money. It\u2019s easier that way; we get to believe that someone we respect is incapable of such a heinous act. But when a video showed Ray Rice striking his wife unconscious, it became harder to pretend it didn\u2019t happen. Harder to turn the other way. Some still tried to say she provoked the violence. Many asked the question, \u201cWhy did she stay \u2013 and marry him?\u201d<\/p>\n
The Why Do They Stay Question. The question I am asked the most when providing a training in the community about domestic violence. An important question, no doubt. But who does the question focus on? That question itself holds the victim responsible for the abuse. Instead, why don\u2019t we ask: \u201cWhy Do They Abuse?\u201d<\/p>\n
In order for us to really prevent domestic violence, we need to ask some difficult questions. We need to talk about the issue in a way that holds the abuser accountable, rather than blame the victim. We need to let go of the myth that abusers are monsters that we would never know or care about, and realize that just as there are survivors of domestic violence in every community, there are also abusers. They are not lurking in the shadows; they are standing right in front of us. They are colleagues, relatives, maybe even a friend. They may seem like a perfectly nice person. We may notice some behaviors in their relationship that look like acts of jealousy, possessiveness, or controlling behaviors. We may want to shrug it off as not a big deal to avoid an awkward moment, but our silence gives them permission. Our silence says it\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n