{"id":558,"date":"2017-07-28T15:10:58","date_gmt":"2017-07-28T19:10:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/reach.lndo.site\/survivor-voices-finding-my-voice-again\/"},"modified":"2023-05-22T17:44:04","modified_gmt":"2023-05-22T21:44:04","slug":"survivor-voices-finding-my-voice-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reachma.org\/blog\/survivor-voices-finding-my-voice-again\/","title":{"rendered":"Survivor Voices: Finding my Voice Again"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Melinda*, REACH Survivor Speakers Bureau<\/p>\n

Recently I heard myself laugh and I was shocked and amazed.\u00a0 I thought, “Who is this person?\u00a0 Wow I recognize her, I recognize that laugh!”<\/p>\n

You see, I was not allowed to laugh for years and it took me close to 3 years after I separated from my husband to allow myself to laugh.<\/p>\n

In my abusive relationship, my husband controlled everything: who I spoke with, what I wore, my money, my time and if you can believe it, he controlled how I laughed. One of the things that made me fall in love with him was that he was an entertaining story teller who always got the punch line right.<\/p>\n

I laugh loudly, deep from my belly and totally un-ladylike.\u00a0 It\u2019s not cute at all, but it\u2019s one of the things that makes me \u2026 me. I didn\u2019t realize I loved that part of me until it was taken away.<\/p>\n

The irony is that one of the things that made me fall in love (laughter) is one of many things that was taken away.<\/p>\n

It first started with a stare, then a sideways look, an un-approving snicker, then it grew to questioning my laugh, being judgmental of my laugh and how I laugh, to telling me how unattractive and embarrassing my laugh was.<\/p>\n

So I went from laughing freely to a controlled smile and inward laugh.\u00a0 Eventually the laughs became few and far between and tears replaced my laugh.<\/p>\n

It took 2 years and 8 months of being out of his grip to realize that it\u2019s ok to be me again. It\u2019s ok to laugh out loud and it\u2019s my right to be un-ladylike and laugh deeply from my belly.<\/p>\n

People have said to me, \u201cOh but you are not with him anymore; you must be so relieved and free.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes, I am, but the mental, emotional and deep psychological impact stays with you for a long time.<\/p>\n

For example: Recently I was treated to dinner by a total gentleman. When we were done, we headed back to our respective cars. \u00a0While heading back to the car, I realized I misplaced my keys in my purse.\u00a0 (You know, the big purses that you can store your whole house in!)<\/p>\n

I was looking for my keys frantically and after what seemed an eternity (probably 60 to 90 seconds) I started shaking.\u00a0 The gentleman was poised, cool, collected and patient.\u00a0 He actually told me to take my time and that we were in no rush.<\/p>\n

But all of the sudden I was gripped with fear because my mind took me back to when I was with him.\u00a0 If this had been with my husband, I would have already been cursed out up and down, called a name telling me how stupid and unorganized I was.<\/p>\n

I shortly found my keys and the gentleman said \u201csee I knew you would find it.\u201d<\/p>\n

On my way home I cried silently.\u00a0 Who would have known that after 3 years, misplacing my keys would be a trigger? That misplacing my keys would grip me with fear and express such a physical and emotional reaction?<\/p>\n

I also learned something that night, that there are decent people out there, that are patient as well as supportive and I don\u2019t have to be afraid to be me.<\/p>\n

My husband had me in such isolation, such control that I lost what I loved the most about myself. I had lost my laugh, my voice, my identity\u2026I lost me.<\/p>\n

In the time since my separation, with the help of REACH, I have met other survivors through support groups.\u00a0 Month after month I attend support group. I speak to my advocate, I\u2019m greeted at the door by REACH staff with smiles and the eagerness and 100% willingness to help me through my journey. I especially remember meeting one woman who was a nurse on my second round of support group.\u00a0 At the time it had been 7 years since her separation.\u00a0 She had decided to come back to group after several years of not attending as she wanted more support.<\/p>\n

She was so funny, she had gone through so much yet she was smiling, laughing, making jokes and I remember that even years later we talked about taking her act on the road.<\/p>\n

She represented 2 things to me.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. There is actually an other side. Although my light was dim, there is a bright and shiny light on the other side of abuse.<\/li>\n
  2. She did not lose herself; she did not lose her sense of humor. She did not lose her laugh. Oh how I looked up to that.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I know that some people out there who might be reading this might be in a similar place to where I was when I first met that woman. I speak and write about my experience because I want them to know that there is life on the other side. That it is possible to laugh and to find yourself again.<\/p>\n

    And for everyone else, I want them to know that the effects of domestic violence don’t end just because you leave the relationship. I am grateful that I can still come to support group, and that someone from REACH still comes with me when I have to go back to court. I am thankful to everyone who supports REACH, because by doing that they have helped me find my voice again.<\/p>\n

    *name changed for confidentiality<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    by Melinda*, REACH Survivor Speakers Bureau Recently I heard myself laugh and I was shocked and amazed.\u00a0 I thought, “Who is this person?\u00a0 Wow I recognize her, I recognize that laugh!” You see, I was not allowed to laugh for years and it took me close to 3 years after I separated from my husband to allow myself to laugh. 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