{"id":623,"date":"2018-08-21T15:54:01","date_gmt":"2018-08-21T19:54:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/reach.lndo.site\/how-to-support-a-loved-one-who-is-experiencing-abuse-and-why-this-can-be-so-hard\/"},"modified":"2023-05-22T17:43:38","modified_gmt":"2023-05-22T21:43:38","slug":"how-to-support-a-loved-one-who-is-experiencing-abuse-and-why-this-can-be-so-hard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reachma.org\/blog\/how-to-support-a-loved-one-who-is-experiencing-abuse-and-why-this-can-be-so-hard\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Support a Loved One who is Experiencing Abuse (and why this can be so hard)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Throughout my career, including just yesterday, I have received calls from friends and family who are concerned that someone they love is experiencing abuse. These calls often start with the sentence, \u201cI\u2019m looking for some\u00a0advice<\/a>\u2026\u201d and I can hear in their voices how deeply worried they are, and how much they hope that I can provide an answer for them.\u00a0\u00a0As I do with\u00a0each of these calls, I wish this blog could provide those\u00a0answers. There is no formula, no perfect sentence that someone can say to\u00a0save someone they care about. What I can do is help to shed some light on what your loved one may be experiencing and through that understanding,\u00a0help to think about what kinds of ways we can support them.\u00a0\u00a0\"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

I think it\u00a0can help\u00a0to understand the definition of abuse. Abuse is a pattern of behavior that one person uses to gain and maintain power and control over someone else. For someone being abused, their partner\u00a0\u2013\u00a0the person they love\u00a0\u2013\u00a0has systematically, quietly, and often under the guise of\u00a0romance, taken control away from them.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the parent, the friend, the loved one, when we learn about the abuse,\u00a0we also feel that control has been taken away from us. This is trauma\u00a0\u2013\u00a0the profound and meaningful loss of control over our experience. Our instinct is to protect\u00a0and\u00a0take control back. It is hard for us to stand in the shoes of the survivor and realize that if we try to control the situation\u00a0\u2013\u00a0even if we think we are making it better\u00a0\u2013\u00a0we are further taking control away from them.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Years ago,\u00a0a school counselor asked me to talk to a father who had recently become concerned about his daughter\u2019s relationship. His solution was to take control. He forbid his daughter from seeing her boyfriend ever again. He took away her laptop, her cell phone. He grounded her indefinitely\u00a0\u2013\u00a0she had to\u00a0come straight home from school and he made her sleep on\u00a0the\u00a0floor of her parents\u2019 bedroom. He was certain that he had fixed\u00a0the problem, I was certain that she was\u00a0still seeing him.\u00a0After talking to her, I learned I was right.\u00a0She would sneak out of school to see him; she would crawl out the\u00a0kitchen\u00a0window after her parents fell asleep. And now, she was in even more danger.\u00a0She and her boyfriend\u00a0would only go to secluded places so they wouldn\u2019t be found\u00a0and she\u00a0didn\u2019t have her cell phone\u00a0with her\u00a0to call for help\u00a0if she needed it.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I can completely understand why this father did what he did. Our job as parents is to protect our children, and that\u2019s what he thought he was doing. To not do that\u00a0\u2013\u00a0to not try to pull our child or loved one out of harm\u2019s way\u00a0\u2013\u00a0it goes against our basic instincts. It makes us feel powerless, helpless and afraid. I won\u2019t pretend it is easy to keep supporting and\u00a0listening<\/a>\u00a0and not jump into action. It doesn\u2019t feel like enough.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Our job\u00a0as a friend or family member\u00a0is to\u00a0create a space<\/a>\u00a0for someone where they feel safe enough to share\u00a0and\u00a0where they feel in control of\u00a0their decisions.\u00a0If\u00a0we can lead by example that this is what love looks like,\u00a0it can plant a seed that can grow into change. It may not grow as fast as we would like, and that can be painful and scary. It\u2019s why it is so important to know that support is available not just to victims but to their friends and family. I\u2019m always so glad to get calls from friends and family, not because I can give them a perfect answer, but because it can be an opportunity to offer\u00a0them\u00a0<\/i>support.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The person on the other end of the phone call may be starting our conversation asking for advice;\u00a0I always pause and ask first how they are doing. We often minimize the impact this experience is having on us because we are so concerned for the person who is being abused. But in order for us to really be there for them, we need a safe space where we can vent, and be angry, and say everything we want to fix and change about the situation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When we are face to face with the person we love who is being controlled and abused in their relationship, our job is not to fix and it is not to take over. Our job is to\u00a0listen<\/a>. To validate\u00a0\u2013\u00a0to remind them of how strong and brave they are by telling us. To let them know that we are concerned but that we do not judge them and will be there for them no matter what they decide. If we do try to control it, if we tell them how awful their abuser\u00a0is, we risk losing their trust and\u00a0we risk pushing them closer to the person who is hurting them.\u00a0One of the most important things we can do\u00a0is to keep the line of communication open. They may not be ready to end their relationship\u00a0\u2013\u00a0they may never end the relationship. If they know that there are people they can turn to for support and be heard and believed, then they are more likely to reach out when they are\u00a0hurting or\u00a0in danger. And each time they feel heard and validated, you offer another example of what healthy love looks like in action.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s also okay (and even helpful) to admit when we\u2019ve made mistakes. A lot of times I hear from folks after they have given their loved one an ultimatum such as, \u201cIf you stay in this relationship, we can\u2019t be friends anymore.\u201d Later, that friend may realize that while they were trying to help the survivor, they may have further isolated them and\/or made them feel guilty and ashamed for staying in the relationship, making it less likely that the survivor will turn to them for support in the future. Admitting to a friend or family member that something we said or did in the past may have had a negative impact on them can go a long way. Abusers rarely take responsibility for their actions\u00a0\u2013\u00a0even if they do apologize, they often find ways to shift the blame on to the survivor for the abuse. When friends and family can acknowledge that while they may have had the best of intentions, their words and actions had a detrimental effect\u00a0and that they will try in the future to be more supportive, this can be an important contrast to what\u00a0the loved ones\u00a0are experiencing in their romantic relationship.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

None of this is easy, and we will all make mistakes. It is scary and painful to see someone you love in a relationship that is controlling and hurtful. REACH is here to help. Whether it\u2019s through phone conversations, or attending our \u201cWhat to Do\/What to Say<\/a>\u201d\u00a0trainings\u00a0we are here to support you as you support your loved one.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Throughout my career, including just yesterday, I have received calls from friends and family who are concerned that someone they love is experiencing abuse. These calls often start with the sentence, \u201cI\u2019m looking for some\u00a0advice\u2026\u201d and I can hear in their voices how deeply worried they are, and how much they hope that I can provide an answer for them.\u00a0\u00a0As I do with\u00a0each of these calls,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1120,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Support a Loved One who is Experiencing Abuse (and why this can be so hard) - REACH<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/reachma.org\/blog\/how-to-support-a-loved-one-who-is-experiencing-abuse-and-why-this-can-be-so-hard\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Support a Loved One who is Experiencing Abuse (and why this can be so hard) - REACH\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Throughout my career, including just yesterday, I have received calls from friends and family who are concerned that someone they love is experiencing abuse. 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