*Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, we wanted to share this blog post written by one of the survivors REACH has worked with as part of our Survivor Speakers’ Bureau.
Writing about mental health and abuse is like writing about being nauseated with a stomach virus. They go hand in hand. When my dad died when I was 18, it was the first time I dealt with depression. But my depression was managed, and I was full of life, happy with many friends. But along came an abusive relationship that turned into an abusive marriage.
Over time, my smile left, and my light quit shining. I was so numb that I would do anything to make me more numb because feeling and being honest about what was happening was just too much to deal with. I developed PTSD and would pray at night that I wouldn’t wake up, and when I did, I was extremely sad to the point of crying on the way to work. I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening because if I did, I would get in more trouble, so I stayed silent. I eventually left, but the abuse didn’t end since my husband and I share kids, and the struggle to be mentally healthy doesn’t end. But I will survive, no matter how hard it is.
Depression, anxiety, etc. are part of abuse and are often used in the courts against victims. I remember vividly when the guardian ad litem my husband’s lawyer chose questioned my mental health and made me feel as if, because of my depression and anxiety, that I must be making up the abuse. I remember when she called my doctor to question my medication, but my doctor assured her that I was taking it appropriately.
I was depressed and anxious because I was living in fear of the next time I’d be screamed at, called names, or having to watch him break furniture or other items, all in front of my children. I was depressed and anxious because when my children were babies, one of my ex-husband’s favorite punishments was waking me up in the middle of the night and keeping me awake. I was depressed and anxious because I had to hide from him many times in the bathroom, holding one baby or another, feet pressed firmly against the door to keep him from coming in. I was depressed and anxious because I needed his permission for so many decisions. He kept me away from family weddings, funerals, and other events because he would say that we didn’t have the money. It is no wonder why I felt suicidal and alone. I was harboring so many secrets and living in a hell I never asked for or did anything to cause.
Thanks to REACH, I have had years of therapy to treat my PTSD symptoms and can manage much better. I know how to calm my nervous system and how to recognize when it’s firing away because I sense danger. My ex and so many other abusers try to break us down, and as they do, the courts support them. But we do survive, and when we do, we come out much stronger mentally than we ever realized we could be.
If you’re experiencing domestic violence and you need help, you can call our 24/7 hotline at 800-899-4000. You can also contact us via email at info@reachma.org.
