This blog post was written by Becky "beBE" Bearse, a dance instructor and choreographer who has worked with REACH and participated in our survivor advocacy programs. You can find Becky on Instagram at @bbedance
According to Oxford Languages, the word reach is defined in the following ways:
Verb
- Stretch out an arm in a specified direction in order to touch or grasp
- arrive at; get as far as.
Noun
- an act of reaching out with one's arm.
- the extent or range of application, effect, or influence.
When I fled my former apartment to obtain a restraining order, I left with fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion and an empty hole in my stomach and my heart. I was literally breaking from the stress from the last few weeks in which I had been trying to plan a safe escape from my abuser. In retrospect, this was a terrible idea. However, I didn’t know about resources such as REACH and therefore left in a panic due to the severity of the situation, finding myself with more questions than answers, and more heartbreak and shock than an LA earthquake. And in the aftermath of destruction, I found REACH, literally holding out their arm to me to extend a warm embrace, a listening ear and, finally, real and informed understanding.
As many domestic abuse survivors know, planning a safe exit is not easy and not always practical, especially when the abuse escalates quickly and threatens or causes immediate harm. This is the situation that led me to the courts to obtain my restraining order. When I think back to that moment, I think of how brave I was, to walk into that courthouse, alone, knowing that my abuser would only be in jail overnight. However, at the time, all I felt was fear and the tears falling down my face in anticipation of what was yet to come. While the police had strongly recommended a restraining order as a means of further protection, it did not make that day any easier. However, I knew it had to be done and, as I write this now, I applaud myself for doing so.
It was on that day that my victim witness advocate provided me with a list of resources. When she passed the list along, I was in shock and also quite sick from a sinus infection that my abuser had callously passed onto me. I was overwhelmed and unable to comprehend and absorb both the amount of information and the magnitude of my situation. If I had known about REACH before that moment, I’m sure they would have helped me to think through a better escape plan, with a bag packed ready for such an occasion. However, as the weeks of abusive behavior escalated, my ability to think clearly diminished. With each passing day, I became more and more embarrassed about my abuser’s behavior, leading me to hide the severity of the situation from anyone around me. And thus, I found REACH through the courts.
As soon as I stepped through REACH’s doors, I felt safe. Warm colors surrounded me, along with many beautiful smiles, accompanied by a greeting from my case manager, Pam, who kindly welcomed me and then spent an hour listening to me. It felt so good to finally talk about the recent events with someone who worked with survivors like me. And, since REACH’s advocates work closely with the courts, they are very familiar with the specific processes that surround domestic abuse cases.
Additionally, as a domestic abuse survivor herself, Pam understood my story, without judgment and with great compassion, empathy and open heartedness. Just a few days later, Pam accompanied me to court and was right by my side, holding my hand. She knew the District Attorney and the victim witness advocate who was handling my case, which made me feel much safer and protected. While one might think it strange to use adjectives like “safe” and “protected” to describe sitting in a courtroom, it was a stark contrast to how unsafe I felt during my first court appearance when my abuser walked right near me and sat close behind me. In that moment, I remember my mind going blank, my heart racing and my body going numb.
For me, REACH has represented every definition associated with both the verb and noun forms of the word as described in the Oxford Languages. They have literally held my hand in the courtroom, they have connected with the police on my behalf and Pam is always there when I need to talk or need advice.
After leaving my abuser, I had many long nights where I sat huddled on the couch, overwhelmed with fear, sadness and confusion as my abuser kept violating the restraining order and going in and out of jail. My sense of safety and sanity was gone, and, in those moments, I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I recall one conversation in which the woman on the other end of the line told me how the most dangerous period for a survivor is when they are contemplating leaving and the first few months after leaving their abuser. And thank goodness I found REACH during this same time because in finding them, they found ME. They found the real me that was silenced from all the fear; the resilient fighter, the creative artist and the one that usually holds so much joy. Along with their vast network, they connected me with several other organizations that are waiting to help and to unpack the many feelings and solutions that are available to survivors like myself.
With all of this said, my journey is still very much a new one. In fact, only three months have passed, and I have so many huge hoops to jump through, from obtaining stable work, to finding a new home, and of course the upcoming criminal case against my abuser. While I feel safer now that my abuser is in jail as I await the trial, I still do not feel completely safe. That feeling is something that will take time to return. So, while I wait for what I feel like is the equivalent of a tsunami to crash down on me as the new year begins, I am braced for this storm. I have REACH right beside me, guiding me towards a better future. And even though the next few weeks and months will be a rocky road, I feel safer with REACH right beside me, holding my hand when I need them to, as I work on regrowing my clipped wings that are now needed to fly above and beyond into a new year, a new life and a new and stronger me.
Thank you REACH.
With gratitude and love,
beBE
