February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (TDVAM), and I have a lot of reflecting to do! I have been working with the Peers Against Violence Educators (PAVE) Club at Waltham High School for two years now, supporting them through challenging times, and creating a space for fruitful conversation and education. While they have learned so much about dating violence, consent, boundaries and much more, so have I.
I have learned a lot since working with young people, and most of what I have learned is right from them. Teens have so much knowledge and expertise about their experience that is often pushed aside because they are “too young.” Teens hold an expertise that is crucial for adults to acknowledge and hear, because it can shape the way we support them. Often times teens receive the support that we think they need, as opposed to the support they actually need.
During TDVAM, I asked the PAVE students questions about teen dating violence, and youth and adult relationships. These are the questions I asked, and how they answered.
What is one thing you would want people to know about Teen Dating Violence?
One student said, “you can still love the person that hurt you. It is hard to recognize the signs when you are in the relationships.” In our weekly meetings, PAVE students are learning about what it means to hold two conflicting feelings. Feeling love and pain for someone who causes harm to you in a relationship is normal, and we have spent time discussing how they can support their peers who have these complex feelings. Another student reflected that “you are not weak for experiencing teen dating violence.” They expressed that there is a lot of pressure to be strong, even when you shouldn’t have to be. They shared that their peers can “romanticize toxic and abusive relationships. We see this a lot in school and on social media. It normalizes, and invalidates, people’s experiences.” The students reflected on what they are seeing with their peers, and how media can be a harmful influence on the way young people perceive the relationships they want to be in.
How can adults support teens when they are dating?
During this conversation many of the students discussed what support means for them, and some shared how they have experienced unsupportive adults in the past. They shared that “support shouldn’t be overpowering. Be aware of the situation and be able to take charge when needed in a way that’s not overwhelming.” Another student went on to say “Don’t be shaming or blaming- hearing things like “it’s just your age”, “it’s just a phase”, “you will grow out of it”, or “boys will be boys” are harmful and can invalidate our feelings.”
What are boundaries and why might we set them with adults in our lives?
Boundaries are a topic that is often talked about in PAVE meetings. We discuss how to set and respect boundaries with partners, parents and peers. When reflecting on holding boundaries with family, a student shared that “Sometimes families say ‘we are family so I should be able to…’ This can be cultural, and it can be hard to set boundaries with people we know and love. Sometimes we want to set boundaries if we become uncomfortable.” There are many different ways we can talk about boundaries that include cultural context. This student expressed how they have had to take a different approach to discussing boundaries with their family that acknowledged their culture and expressed their feelings. They shared expressing your boundaries “helps people be good supports and shares how you like to be treated.”
What does trust between teens and adults look like to you?
Trust helps us build relationships. Young people are watching us, and will take note if they feel their trust has been broken. When asked about building trust with adults a student shared that a trusting adult is someone, “you can talk to openly, won’t lecture you or share information about what you are sharing. They create judgement free zones, listen and support your decisions.” We might feel pressure as an adult to be the person that the young people in your lives go to for support, and if they don’t choose us, that’s okay. Building trust can look like connecting them with other supportive adults they can build relationships with.
Our meetings helped me grow as a support person, and I still make mistakes. We are all human. This TDVAM I want to uplift the words of the incredible change makers I get to advise every week. Teen Dating Violence is prominent and can happen to any teen. We can do everything in our power to prevent it, but we cannot always control the outcomes. What we can control is our response. When the young people in our lives tell us they are experiencing unhealthy relationship behaviors, ask questions with curiosity, understand what type of support they are looking for, and validate how they are feeling. It’s also just as important to get support for yourself because supporting young people isn’t always easy. If you have questions about the roles adults can play in supporting young people, REACH is here to support you.
If you’d like to learn more about teen dating violence, REACH’s youth-focused prevention programs, or how you can schedule a youth program workshop, be sure to visit our Teen Dating Violence webpage.
